What a revelation to discover just how much has been written online over the years about a concept I originally coined: the Assumption of Goodwill. When I first introduced this term long ago, I had a clear vision of what I meant—and what I didn’t mean—by using or teaching this skill.
The Origins of Assumption of Goodwill
During the early phase of my career in the 1990s, working as a mediator for the Dallas Family Courts and later in my private Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) counseling practice, I became keenly aware of a major obstacle to mental well-being and healthy relationships. It was called negative bias—the tendency to assume the worst about people’s intentions. Instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, negative bias leads us to assume the most harmful possible motivation.
I needed to define a process that I could use to teach how to counteract negative bias, and I came upon the concept of Assumption of Goodwill. I had no idea at the time that Assumption of Goodwill would become a phrase used far beyond my practice. It was simply the best way I could think of to describe a practical skill for counteracting negative bias.
As part of my conflict resolution framework, Assumption of Goodwill became the second step of a nine-step tool. I would often ask clients, why do you think this skill is introduced so early in the process? More often than not, they arrived at the right answer.
When I formally published the Active Relationships program in early 2003—after years of using and refining it—Assumption of Goodwill was a core component. Since then, the program has been taught worldwide. It has been fascinating to see how the concept has been interpreted, expanded, and sometimes even challenged in different contexts.
Clarifying the Meaning
Since this is just a blog, I won’t attempt an exhaustive explanation, but I do want to clarify what Assumption of Goodwill is—and what it isn’t.
What It Is:
- An assumption, meaning it may or may not be accurate, but it serves a purpose.
- A private thought—a tool for calming ourselves down in the face of a triggering situation.
- A reminder that we don’t know everything. People’s behaviors often stem from their own fears or hurts, not necessarily from malice.
- A way to pause and think before reacting impulsively, helping us take constructive, rather than destructive, action.
- A personal tool designed to make your life better.
- It prevents others’ behavior from emotionally hijacking you. (Spit out the hook!)
- It allows you to approach conflict with problem-solving in mind, rather than a need to “win.”
What It Isn’t:
- It is not an excuse for harmful behavior. You can assume goodwill while still taking necessary action.
- It is not appropriate in situations of immediate danger, such as:
- If someone is physically threatening you.
- In combat or battle.
- If you are in an unsafe environment.
A Personal Example
Years ago, my partner and I were on vacation in Carmel, California, enjoying the off-season. We found ourselves sitting in a lovely café with only one other couple, yet we couldn’t seem to get service. I grew frustrated watching the waiter stand idly by, ignoring us. My mind immediately jumped to negative assumptions: Is he being rude? Is he deliberately neglecting us?
Then, I caught myself. I realized I was allowing my own assumptions to ruin what was supposed to be a relaxing getaway. When the waiter finally approached, I heard myself ask, Are you alright?
His response stopped me in my tracks:
“No, I’m devastated. I don’t know what to do. My cousin—she was my best friend—died yesterday while on a trip to Mexico. Some sort of strange virus…”
That moment was a gift. I had the rare chance to actually learn the truth behind someone’s behavior. And it had absolutely nothing to do with us.
Of course, we don’t always get the opportunity to ask. But that’s exactly why Assumption of Goodwill is so powerful—it allows us to choose a perspective that lightens our emotional burden and prevents unnecessary negativity.
Why It Matters
At its core, Assumption of Goodwill is a practice of self-liberation. It helps us:
– Gain perspective.
– Lighten our emotional load.
– Reduce the spread of unnecessary anger—because anger is contagious.
In a world already brimming with conflict, a little more goodwill can go a long way.
Kelly Simpson
Active Relationships Center develops curricula for relationship wellness, enhancing life skills and promoting wise choices.