When one person does and one doesn’t…
When you think about the odds of two people liking each other with similar intensity on a long-term basis, it’s rare. In the beginning of a relationship, intensity and focus are easy because where there is attraction, there is likely a chemical reaction – nature’s way of propelling two people toward each other. After all, reproduction is how the species survives. But over time, there can be a shift away from just chemistry, to a greater interest in who the person is, what qualities they have, whether the two people share interests and enjoyment.
When two people really love and like each other you might hear them both saying, “She/He is amazing, perfect, incredible, so how can she/he like me?” But more often than not, one person likes the other more, and the other, however nice, is less invested in the relationship. It is like threading the eye of a needle to find your dream person who also believes you are THEIR dream person, especially after a few weeks or months into the relationship.
Even in long-term relationships, one partner can become more invested in the relationship than the other. In my experience working with couples and individuals, the less-invested partner seems to hold more power. Why? Because they instinctually know or at least expect, that if the relationship ends, they’ll be hurt less.
The Trap of Overcompensation
Either way, when people anticipate the possible instability or end of a relationship that they really want to continue, they often do too much. They over-extend. This can take many shapes. Some examples:
- Love-bombing
- Demanding more attention
- Drama requiring re-assurance
- Giving gifts more than normal
- Accepting harmful behavior to keep peace
- Constant messaging or social media stalking
- Being more perfect (in an unrealistic way)
- Begging for attention or validation
One thing has proven true over my many years in practice as a counselor: Desperation is NOT attractive.
It generally proves to make matters worse. For sure, being “nice,” improving yourself, being a better person and therefore a better partner is a good thing, but it may not be enough to save a relationship if your partner already has one foot out the door. Being the best you can be is an excellent goal and pays off for you no matter what happens to this relationship. (This is for another discussion).
Instead, Think Moderation and Be Confident.
Overwhelming your partner with any of the above listed types of behavior can make you seem so desperate that you become less attractive in your partner’s eyes. Your partner is likely to head the other direction. You may lose the relationship in any case. People increase their relationship survival chances by remaining calm and self-assured. Think “moderation” rather than extremes, even if you feel desperate.
Kelly Simpson